repository: The space between Julianne Moore’s thighs

Just stumbled across your blog, and it sucks. But that's okay, because if it wasn't for the shitty blogs, we wouldn't be able to discern the3 really cool blogs, like mine. It's called schitZen vane: Julianne Moore. It hasn't been updated in a bit, but what's there is golden. You seem cool, much like Julianne Moore. We should hang out and do some hallucinogens.

Zombie Food!

If you watch, AMC's, The Walking Dead, then you're well aware that the series has ended for the season. It won't air new episodes until the fall. Bummer!

Shane is dead. Dale is dead. The group is reeling and on the run after a zombie assault on the farm, having lost more of thei group. After saving Carol, Andrea got separated from the group, fighting and running for her life, finding her fate in the hands of a mysterious hooded stranger. What's that got to do with the picture below?
  

This picture kind of echoes what happened to that dude on AMC's, The Walking Dead. This unfortunate chick may have found herself up on a roof, zombies all around. In her haste to escape and "jump on the covered wagon" to escape, lost her footing, slipped, ultimately shiskabobbin' her ass onto a metal fence.

That's not what happened - at all - to this woman. And quite frankly investigating the real reason she's got a section of blue metal fence spikin' through her rump, like a trident harpoon seems like a lot of time to invest.

Look, zombies, real, or imagined are some scary maggotfarmers. Why do you think they are having a road race planned in Boston with zombies chasing after the runners? It's true! And when zombies're out for some skin, and they always are, you gotta kick it in high gear and get yo ass to safety.

Zombies don't necessarily prize one piece of flesh over another, because the living dead just want flesh.

'Cause if lame brains did prize some pieces of flesh over others, Demi Moore, assuming she survived the initial zombie outbreak, would have to keep her feet inside some medieval greaves, 'cause zombies would have them babies at the top of their menu.

Jaime Pressly posted these pix on Twitter a couple of weeks ago from her vacation. Think she would make it onto a zombie's menu? Hell, yeah!

And Fergie, Ferg would have to slip on some K-Swiss, Skechers or Nike's to keep her sexy ass alive, so she could run, keepin' her fine ass bite free.

And, of course, God Save The Future Queen! 'Cause Kate Middleton would be one of the specials on a zombie menu, for sure! Kate would be one of the specials on just about anybody's list, yeah? Not that there's an actual " list", FBI! This all for entertainment purposes.

Since the premise behind, The Walking Dead is George Romero-esque in that everydody is infected and will become a walker when they die, they're all doomed to the same fate. And isn't that the ultimate punt in the junk, or purple nurple? They're all living on borrowed time, just like in real life.

Though there is an up side. Those people that you really can't stand, you know the ones. Those sumbitches are going to come back as zombies, giving you the opportunity to cherry pie their ass with, Extreme Prejudice (which just happens to be an excellent movie starring Nick Nolte).

Though none of this is real, so you can't do shit to those people you can't stand. You could, but your ass'll end up in lockdown for murder, and you will find your own real version of living hell inside a prison. Sure, you can try to make their lives miserable within the confines of existing law, which means you might have to resort to psychological torture, emotional manipulation, or praying for bad things to befall them. But the catch 22 to that is you will become the very thing that you despise, which means that the manipulator, you, has ultimately become the manipulated. Sure, you will lie to your self and reason, "I'm only doing this to this person because they deserve it!" And in so doing you will be enslaving your self to your own ego, something that is completely fake, allowing it to not only exist, but self-sabotage you. It's an illusory battle that you are fighting against your self, in the name of an entity that doesn't actually exist  and it's a battle you cannot and will not win. How much does that suck?! 'Cause that which we dislike, or fear in others is that which we dislike, or fear within our own selves. Ooooooooh, that's so deep! Best to just live and let die (excellent song by Paul McCartney and Wings). And you just thought this post was going to be about zombies and shit! You got so much more. 

 

And speaking of more...

Julianne Moore!

If zombie's do have some sort of flesh appeal, Julianne Moore will definitely be on the run. Julianne could probably jack some zombie shit up, though .

And if you look at the pix of Julianne, you'll notice she's got some seriously hot legs. They're shapely, athletic and strong, giving you the impression that she can put some hurt to head. Not just stoppin' walkers dead in their shamblin' tracks, but lookin' fuckin' amazingly awesome doin' it! And with Julianne Moore slayin' zombies and lookin' awesome doin' it, bring on the zombie armageddon!

 

Jennifer Nicole Lee

Fitness model, actress, motivational speaker, author, is there anything that Jennifer Nicole Lee can't do? That's a rhetorical question. She can probably bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you're a man! 'Cause she's a woooo-man, En-jo-li! And if you get that reference, then you're probably at least a Generation X'er.

And if you do get that reference, then you see how it fits with Angelina Jo-lie. Huh? Huh? See dat? It all ties together. Not really, but it makes for some reading and what else do you have to do? And remember: hot women who can do it all are that - much - more - hotter!

 

Look, that's just the whats.  The rule is already in place. What rule?  Beauty rules - ugly drools! You might as well fall in line, and it's a long one - no cutsies! And clean up that drool! After you enjoy JNL, of course.

 

A Tip For You.

If you ever get into a street fight, you need to be prepared. Lots of idiots are runnin' around lookin' to start some shit and they fight dirty. This isn't some version of Fight Club and Tyler Durden isn't real. There's no tapping out on the street, or yelling uncle so your attacker will stop beating you senseless. 

This is a specific tip that will save you a lot of pain and potential trouble. Let's say you get into a scrap, there's no talkin' your aggressor down from their position and confrontation is inevitable. Even if you're one of those strip mall black belts, you could get your ass jacked up, bad! Things happen fast, blows are exchanged, next thing you know a piece of your flesh is in somebody else's mouth, clenched between their ever-tightening jaws. Motherfucker's biting you! Time to think fast. Sure, you can go to your happy place pretending that Angelina Jolie is giving you a love nibble. Or you can take the initiative, stopping the pain cold, 'cause it ain't Angie and your forearm ain't no strawberry!

What do you do?! Ever play tug-o-war? Of course you have. Whether, or not it was intentional, we've all played it. Either with others using a rope, with your dog over a chew toy, maybe at an Apple Store over the last iPad,

possibly with Jessica Simpson over the last slutty brownie. Natural instinct tells us if something, or somebody is tugging on the other end of an object that we're both struggling over that we must pull with more force in order to wrest it away from our foe. This is true in most instances, but not this one. If somebody is bear trappin' your flesh, intent on tearing off a lil' piece of sump'n, sump'n from your body, DON'T TUG BACK! If you get into a fight over a piece of your own skin with you being between their teeth, you will lose - some skin - at least! Best thing to do if possible is to grip the back of their head with your free hand, then apply force by pushing the flesh part they are clamped onto deeper into their jaws. They will be forced to open their mouth wider, releasing their bite, allowing you brief moments to pull free. They cannot bite down and open their mouth wider at the same time, it's physically impossible!

Knowledge is NOT power. Knowledge is only potential power, until it comes into the hands of someone who knows how and when to apply it. You have some new potential power, with a little imagination you can apply this potential power to a multitude of scenarios involving body parts and hungry mouths, actualizing it for use in future situations. Use it wisely * praying hands and bows * for Angry Dragons.

Do, something!

It's been a bit since the last schitZen vane post and there's a perfectly good reason for that. Laziness. Straight up, plain 'ol laziness.

Seriously. There are times when it's sooooooooooo much easier to just do nothing. But doing nothing is fantastic up 'til the point where you no longer have a choice but to do something. And when you're in a position where you have to do something, there is a temptation to just do anything just to be doing something. This can be a problem, especially if you decide to do something that screws up everything. However, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Okay, you may be thinking, "WTF does that have to do with Angelina Jolie?"

Good question! It has everything to do with Angelina Jolie! Everything! Actually, it has, or had absolutely nothing to do with Angelina Jolie, past tense, until it did! Go ahead, wipe your mind up off the walls and monitor. See, there was a need to do something, and out of that need to do something, this Kick Start post for Sunday, March 18, 2012 became about anything. And that anything ends up with something to do with Angelina Jolie. How awesome is that?! It's very awesome, lucky for you. And since Lady Lucky has hooked her hand to the crook of your arm, you lucky maggotfarmer, go out and play the lottery. Ask that secret crush out on a date. Hit an Indian Casino, Vegas, or Atlantic City, because Lady luck is fickle, her eye tends to wander. So, do something, 'cause your anything could turn out to be as awesome as Angelina Jolie.

Or your anything could be like, Victoria Beckham, above. Would you like that, Victoria Beckham? Hey, nobody's judgin' you.

 

 

Violent Boar-nography!

If you're having a bad day, that sucks. Nobody wants to see another individual having the kind of day where they feel that it's just one long drawn out torment and that it can't get any worse. And what really sucks is that things can always get worse, until they ultimately can't. 

And when things reach a point where they can no longer get any worse, it means one of two things: 

1. You've found a way to deal with and accept the brutality of reality as it invades and decimates the last vestiges of your idealism. This is a good thing in a, "make a heaven of hell, or hell of heaven" sort of perspective.
2. You're about to die. In which case, don't bother to fret over that fact. Just smile, 'cause soon it will all be over, and if you're fortunate, it will be over quickly, as well.

Whatever the case may be, take heart and be glad. Why? Because you're fortunate enough not to be born, or reincarnated, as this unfortunate hog below.

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What this pig exactly did to deserve this fate, whether, or not it squealed on somebody, isn't certain. This boar is about to turn this penned in area into a real disgusting pig sty! Okay, let's stop the bad puns.

 

Doesn't this throw a huge bucket of ice cold water on the pity party you're throwin' for yourself, to see that you don't have it as bad as this pig does right now? I'll bet your own little hell is startin' to look a little more heavenly right now, huh? And if it doesn't yet...

Shi-hit, this boar got fucked the hell up! And how do you feel about your bad day, now? Okay, maybe seeing a defenseless animal getting cleaved in twain added to your distress and for that schitZen vane takes a mulligan. But still, this ain't you and for that you should be grateful. Now, count your blessings, and go get yourself some pork spare ribs from your local Chinese food joint. And sticking with animal themed food...

 

Angelina Jolie Bares a Chicken Leg!

Usually when a leg like that is staring back at you it's surrounded by mashed potatoes, some biscuits and gravy. And if you saw that leg Angelina Jolie is so proudly flashin' for the cameras on your dinner plate, you'd send it back to the kitchen with a message for the chef about how it's not even fit for animal consumption, let alone humans.

But we're not cannibals. We don't want to eat Angelina's leg, maybe you do, whatever, nobody's judging you. We're judging Angelina here. And in judging her, at least her leg, it's not even clear if we want to judge it. Look, if somebody asked you what makes Angelina Jolie hot, would her legs be first thing on the list to roll off your tongue, or the second thing, third, or even fourth? 

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Look, Angelina's rockin' some serious 'tude strikin' her pose (s). And others have noted the similarity between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina's dresses. So it's logical to assume that Angie is tryin' to upstage Jen in this leg baring dress. Jen had been talkin' 'bout her and Brads past relationship, again, and maybe Brad and Angie decided to mock her. And why not? But the upstage thing, it ain't happenin'. Jennifer Aniston's got some of the best striders around.

Look, you can't go wrong with Jen, or Angie, but Brad Pitt would attest to the latter. 

For a night of unbridled freak-ocity, booty callin' a bitch for some wild, indulgent, possibly illegal type debauchery, or steppin' out in style for an evening of wining, dining and whatever else? 

You call Kate Beckinsale - PERIOD! She doesn't even have to show leg and it's a no-brainer, no, not meaning you, Stacy Keibler. And if you put your ear up to the screen, being as quiet as a titmouse (just wanted to get the word tit posted), you can hear the sexy melodious purr of Kate's vagina. Go ahead, listen.